Life and identity after having a baby.
Feeling like you've lost your identity or sense of self after becoming a parent is common. Those first few weeks as you adjust to life with a newborn baby are a huge learning curve and as well as being physically and emotionally draining. The days can start to feel long, monotonous and lonely.
Before I launch into a list of hints and tips on how to find yourself again in those early stages of parenting. I wanted to take a minute to dig a bit deeper into the theme of identity and how that can influence our experience.
Our identities, or sense of self, start to form in early childhood and continue to develop and change throughout our lives as we try to develop an understanding of who we are and how we fit into the world around us. This can be influenced by lots of things, both internal and external. I'll discuss these in more detail in a later post but some examples include:
Internal influences include gender, ethnicity, race, appearance, sexual orientation, hobbies, interests, and life experiences.
External influences include family, friends, society, culture, religion, location, opportunities, and media.
As adults we go about our day to day lives with a sense of identity that we have built based over time. Our sense of identity comes from and influences choices we make about things like relationships, career, hobbies, friendships and lifestyle. These choices often reflect who feel we are and what we value in life. However, when you become a parent, your time, energy and effort are entirely focused on looking after your baby. The baby takes over, and the things that you may have based your identity on before (your job, financial independence, social life, hobbies) get crowded out in the cycle of feed, change, nap, repeat. No wonder you feel lost!
The most important thing I want you to know is it is ok to feel this way, and you are not the only one. We live in a culture that places so much emphasis on what we do and our ability to perform instead of just being. I think is one of the main contributors to why we can feel we've lost our identities as new parents, but it doesn't have to be this way.
If you're feeling lost, here are some reminders to help encourage you in reforming your identity as a parent:
You are more than what you do
You are adjusting to a new normal, this isn't easy, and it takes time
Your identity is not fixed, it has been changing throughout your life and will continue grow as your baby develops.
You are not alone, your partner is probably feeling the same. Be open and talk to them about your feelings
You do not have to do everything alone. Ask and accept help whenever and wherever you can
You are your first priority. It sounds and feels selfish, but it's important to take time to do one thing you enjoy or that refreshes you each day, even if it's just more sleep or a walk, although this is often easier said than done. It can make a huge difference in your mood and give you a sense of normality in the chaos.
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